Thursday, January 21, 2016

things I always say.

She is so small at night time. 

During the day, Reese is a solid 44lbs. The scale at the hospital says 20kg and that is exactly what she feels like. Being only about 39" tall (that's 1%ile, finally), means she often feels as if you're picking up a bowling ball or what I would assume slinging a sack of potatoes would be like.

But at night, her entire face fits in my hand. She can lay on top of me and fall asleep and it feels like nothing. If she sneaks down into our bed, she curls into a tiny ball that seems to match the exact space between my shoulders and hips as I wrap my arms around her.

My face doesn't fit in her tiny hand, though. She cups my face when I talk to her when we're cuddling and the proportions of child and mother are so skewed.

Her MRI is next Tuesday. I have mixed feelings, as being home with the kids all holiday break gave me time to worry about things that aren't necessarily there. More time spent at home means more opportunities to watch her run or open and close bad arm.

She tells me everything from school, now, so "oh, I tripped on a chair holding a bucket" doesn't make me think she's a silly girl who couldn't see because of the bucket, but drives me into a sort of spiral of nervousness.

But, either way, I have a plan. By I, I mean we, by we I mean her doctors. So, tuesday will either make us stay the course or veer towards something else.

I have spent days simply writing this post and I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I am beating the same drum that I always do - and can't think of another way to write it? Or if I just don't want to deal with my own emotions right now? Sigh.

Aidan has her first dance competition of the season this wkend - and her first solo ever. She makes me so proud - even when she wades between hating everything I do and crying that she needs her mommy. Sawyer is rockin' school so much and my heart swells for how much she has grown this year. Miller spends all day doing what she does - being herself and not caring what that means to the rest of the world. She dances in public, wears what she wants... which reminds me of a tiny sawyer and that makes me excited and nervous for the future years. Corbin talks all of the time with adds "me too!!" to anything the other kids are doing. She copies what they say, makes them laugh, and is my daily bff.

There are other things I just want to write down, I guess - like how reese asks me "did you has a good sleep?" when she wakes up in the morning, or that her favorite breakfast food is sugar free popsicles. Or how when we go to chemo, she doesn't even need me around and tells the nurse "you tell my mommy to stop talking?" when I tried to update her on what we're doing.

I am having to remind myself to live in the moment, recently, instead of for bed time. After bed time, I have immediate daily regret and vow to slow down the next day. Some days I succeed. Some days I go up after they are sleeping and curl into someone's bed in hopes they thought the day was better than I did... and that they maybe wake up and see that I am always there.

1 comment:

  1. They know you are always there and so does He!